From Numbing to Knowing: Reclaiming My Addictive Mind

IM AN ADDICT

Growing up I moved a lot which made making friends difficult. One school in particular I was heavily bullied to the point of deeply hating myself. The only outlet I had from this and my home life was my obsession with soccer. At 16 I suffered a severe concussion in a game that broke my nose and right orbital bone. I was prescribed 2 weeks worth of narcotics and so began my addiction with numbing my body.

See, Opioids allowed me to briefly escape my intrusive thoughts that continually ran on repeat. I would go to school high and not be phased by what people said. I loved the feeling of putting my head down and passing out on my desk.

Once my script ran out I began chasing other highs. I started experimenting with drinking, other pharmaceuticals, and even huffing/whippets. If it could get me high, no questions asked I was in. This continued at a moderate rate for the next year however all things changed two months into my senior year when I moved states away to the Central Valley of California. Shortly after arriving I discovered a new drug, Xanax.

Xanax quickly became my favorite drug of choice. It provided me a deeper escape. For I could numb not only my body but also erase time. The days and weeks would blur together. During this period it was no surprise my drinking, drug use and promiscuity reached an all new high.

A few months before graduation I was told by my parents my stepdad had received new orders and they were moving so I needed to figure out what I was going to do. Having a 1.6 GPA, college was never even contemplated, so after getting kicked out of the house one day I went to the recruiters office and joined the military.

Joining the Navy saved my life.

It ended all drug use cold turkey but ramped up my drinking. I still had an escape, one that was rather glorified in my new community. My first set of orders were to Japan, my first legal drink being sake as I arrived on my 20th birthday. I loved drinking and was never even phased by the consequences I would have from over indulging. I was often reckless, so much so that on my 21st birthday I woke up hand cuffed and leg shackled to a hospital bed. I went to mandatory AA, and after completing the required course I made my way to the honch for chu his in celebration. I have been roofied, raped, jumped out of moving cars, numerous physical altercations and each time I would still turn back to the bottom of a bottle.

It wasn't until a 12g guided psilocybin journey with my therapist that I finally ended my addiction with alcohol. I have been sober since December 23, 2022. But as is with most addictive personalities, when one addiction ends another vice begins.

I have been through so many addictions in my life: porn, gambling, alcohol, nicotine, weed, shitty men, social media, sleep, caffeine, eating disorder, etc. If it provides a quick dopamine hit followed by feeling bad about myself I’ve likely over indulged numerous times.

Lets quickly talk about what addictions do to the brain:

- Major dopamine disruptor. The continuous flooding of dopamine to the brain leaves it in a depleted state. Reason why life gets duller and the continuous need / hyper fixation for a fix gets more intense.

- Impaired decision making skills. We lose the ability to make morally correct decisions when all we hear is the pounding drive to fill a “need”.

- Memory and Learning Problems deeply impaired with cognitive decline.

So now let’s talk about how I, someone who has a chronically addictive personality and who often sought out ways to numb myself, has found ways to do the opposite. Ways I have found to heal myself.
and truly begin to love and know myself.
The items listed below have been instrumental in that:

• Meditation

  • If you don’t have a daily meditation practice you are leaving some serious money on the table. There are so many benefits it’s honestly insane. From reduced stress/depression/anxiety, neuroplasticity, better sleep, increased intuition / interoception, memory recall, I could go on and on. Instead give the YouTube video below a listen:

  • Video: The Benefits of Meditation with Dr. Joe Dispenza

    • Easy tips to make it a habit:

      • Turn phone on airplane at night, can only turn it off once meditation is completed in AM

      • Download InsightTimer and start a wicked day streak you don’t want to lose

      • Light incense at the start to bring in other senses to ground you into your practice

      • Start slow, 5 minutes a day

• Proper Nourishment

  • My mental health has never been as good as it is now and that is strongly due to what I allow to go into my body. Proper nutrition is paramount to optimization and longevity of oneself. However, this is a big can of worms I will slowly start to talk more about.

  • Key things to think about:

    • How regular are your poops? What do they look like? Do you know how foods make you feel? Do you actually know how your supplements make you feel?

  • Caffeine (coffee), nicotine (zyn) etc is an addiction. No matter how socially acceptable it has become. If you feel like you can’t be “Your Best Self” without the item you are under the spell of an addictive substance.

• Reduction of Noise (You can’t hear yourself speak if it’s bombarded by others)

  • No electronics allowed in the bedroom

  • Reduced Social Media

    • I think socials are amazing, when used to help each other. However, mindless scrolling / comparing / time warp is so easy to fall into. I recently changed my IG password to something along the lines of “IsThisInAllianceWithYourHigherSelf?” and many times I haven’t even typed half of that password before backing out of the app. When I am going on with good intentions I will be able to type that password easily, until then I will fill my time with better things.

  • No phones at work except on lunch break

  • Implementing boundaries in relationships. Only giving out authentic energy that is reciprocated.

• Movement

  • Chasing dopamine hits? Movement is our best supplier!

    • Recently I’ve been a big fan of community movement events. Attending random classes (bachata, aerial silks, yoga, run club etc) has been so freeing. There’s nothing better than learning new skills while meeting new people.

      • Facebook groups, MeetUp.com, EventBrite, reddit etc are great ways to find new groups!

  • Setting mini movement goals for yourself is a great way to get started. And I am a big fan of utilizing others for accountability so if you want a really annoying accountability partner, respond back with a mini movement goal I can hold you to ;)

Healing isn’t linear and neither is growth. I still have to check myself daily and often catch old thought patterns creeping in, but the tools listed above have continued to help my upward trajectory. Addiction, I’ve learned, isn’t a curse, but rather a superpower that can be harnessed for good. To think… my latest fix is getting on my meditation pillow and exploring my subconscious mind… it’s crazy that the body I once loved numbing is now one I can’t wait to further explore. 

Everything we do in this life is a personal choice.
We can take the fun, exciting easy roads that usually feel good at first but often lead to empty, painful ends. Or we can take the harder, less traveled road thats often lonely and less exciting but eventually opens up into vast beautiful valleys filled with meaning, love and abundance. It is always your decision which one you choose to walk. The biggest message in all of this I’ve come to find? It is never too late to change the path you are walking.